When I tell clients that men and women communicate differently, they invariably nod their heads in agreement. Where I start to get surprised reactions from them is when I begin telling them how those differences go beyond social expectations into the very structures of the male and female brain. Granted, effective communication between humans takes hard work, but sexual differences in how events are perceived and processed adds a complexity that most couples are simply not aware of.
One of the reasons this "complexity" remains hidden in couples is that the husband and wife often use the same word to communicate two very different images. Because they are using the same word they think they are “on the same page,” while not even talking about the same event. Research observations suggest this happens more often than one might think. To be effective in helping couples, a therapist needs insight into how similar experiences described by each spouse can be “lived” and expressed very differently. While the next post will touch on differences in expression and language, today’s post is about how men and women sense and process (think) their world in gender specific ways.
One idea that can interfere with effectiveness in couple’s counseling suggests that apart from basic sexual physiology, sexual differences are only a matter of societal norms. While this view was popular in the early 1980s, research over the last 30 years has not supported it. Some of the most important biological gender differences between men and women exist in the brain (Johnson, 2006, 292; Lanvers, 2004, 289; and Taylor and Nikolova, 2004, 1).
Take right and left hemispheric “functioning” of the brain as an example; men are normally left-brain dominant and women are normally bilateral (Smalley and Cunningham, 2008, 55; Cozolino, 2006, 270; and Johnson, 2006, 288). Functionally this means if a face contains emotion the Amygdala structure of the brain is activated in the right hemisphere (feminine dominant); if the face is unfamiliar the Amygdala is activated in the left hemisphere (masculine dominant). This structural difference may represent one reason why females are generally more likely to respond to facial features that represent emotional expression (relational assessment), while males are more likely to respond to features that represent situational or environmental features - threat assessment (Smalley and Cunningham, 2008, 55; Johnson, 2006, 288; Cozolino, 2006, 70).
Men and women also seem to “sense” their environment differently. Across nationality and culture, women consistently show increased perception across all levels of sensitivity in color discrimination, finger sensation, taste and olfactory measures, while male stimulation remains primarily visual (Arthur, Johnson and Young, 2007, 828; Johnson, 2006, 285; Lopez-Sosa and Tevar, 2005, 149; Popovic, 2005, 38; and Smalley and Cunningham, 2008, 54).
Is it any wonder that image based pornography is almost exclusively a male vulnerability; while women are normally more vulnerable to literary or narrative based pornography? This is not to say that women are immune to images of attractive men or that men are immune to a fantasy narrative. What these observations do suggest is that each spouse will likely look at the other incredulously and say something like “I don’t get why they’re attracted to that” because their own neural structures are not as sensitive to what “triggers” the other.
So What
Human sexuality goes far beyond external and internal sexual organs. Brain structures and sensory processing are different as a result of basic XX and XY chromosome configuration; and these differences influence perception and processing of one’s environment, events, and others. This means it is highly likely that males and females actually experience life in uniquely masculine or feminine ways (Arthur, Johnson and Young, 2007, 828; Lopez-Sosa and Tevar, 2005, 147; and Wiwanitkit, 2006, 171). If this is true, one might ask how we can ever hope to understand each other.
Path to Freedom
If each spouse has spent their life with a male or female brain and senses, the only entity in the Christian marriage equipped to teach the other spouse how to communicate into an experience they have never had is God. A therapist must be skilled to help couples learn to translate what they hear and what they say in ways that help the other person understand and be understood; and, most importantly, have compassion for each other’s experiences – even when they don’t understand them (Parks and Robertson, 2004, 234; and Reeder, 2005, 117).
For more information on this topic, or for help in translating to/from male or female, please contact us at:
References:
Arthur, Heather, Gail Johnson, and Adena Young. "Gender Differences and Color: Content and Emotion of Written Descriptions." Social Behavior and Personality (Society for Personality Research, Inc.) 35, no. 6 (2007): 827-834.
Cozolino, Louis. The Neuroscience of Human Relationships. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 2006.
Johnson, Gregg. "The Biological Basis for Gender-Specific Behavior." In Recovering Biblical Manhood & Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism, edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem. Wheaton, Il: Crossway Books, 2006.
Lanvers, U. "Gender in Discourse Behaviour In Parent-Child Dyads: A Liturature Review." Child: Care, Health & Development (Blackwell Publising, Ltd.), April 2004: 481-493.
Lopez-Sosa, Carmen, and Rafael Roldan Tevar. "The Human Sexual System in the Context of the Health Sciences." Sexuality and Disability 23, no. 3 (Fall 2005): 146-149.
Parks, Janet B., and Mary Ann Robertson. "Attitudes Toward Women Mediate The Gender Effect on Attitudes Toward Sexist Language." Psychology of Women Quarterly (American Psychological Association) 28 (2004): 233-239.
Popovic, Miodrag. "Intimacy and its Relevance in Human Functioning." Sexual and Relationship Therapy (Routledge; Taylor & Francis Group) 20, no. 1 (February 2005): 31-46.
Reeder, Heidi M. "Exploring Male-Female Communication: Three Lessons on Gender." Journal of School Health (Blackwell Publishing, Ltd.) 75, no. 3 (March 2005): 115-117
Smalley, Gary, and Ted Cunningham. The Language of Sex: Experiencing the Beauty of Sexual Intimacy. Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 2008
Taylor, Gregory, and Ofelia Nikolova. "Influence of Gender and Academic Ability in a Computer-Based Spanish Reading Task." Roeper Review (Routlege: Taylor & Francis Group) 27, no. 1 (2004).
Wiwanitkit, Viroj. "Interaction Between Alpha-Fetoprotein Gene and Gonadotropin-Releasing Hormone and Effects on Brain Sexual Differentiation: Molecular Function and Biological Process." Sex Disaability (Springer Science+Business Media, Inc.) 24 (August 2006): 169-173.
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