In an election year there are often debates on which is more important: character or ability. In other words do the ends justify the means; is it more important for the candidate prove their ability to produce results, or to prove the way they achieve results are ethical and moral?

While it is likely this controversy will go on for many elections to come, what is certain is that in a life-long relationship, Character (values that guide how one’s life-partner goes about accomplishing a goal) matters a great deal.  Many times in counseling sessions, a therapist will hear: “it’s not what they said… it was how they said it that tells me what they really meant.”

Unfortunately, what is being depicted in media, at work, and reflected in many relationships, is that Americans may be losing the art of connecting at a Character level, or what I will call a “Person-Focused” level. Today’s society appears to encourage performance based relationships. Many television shows and other electronic media portray couples living together because of resources (like wealth), or skills (good in bed), or body features (broad shoulders or nice legs).  At best, the environment in a home built on these types of connections is characterized by boredom, silence, deadness, and pleasure-seeking. Worst case, these connections can breed fault finding and blame avoidance, and anxiety or depression due to inability to meet perfectionistic goals and expectations

Why is this a problem? Because “performance” based connections are exhausting, they don’t last as long, and ultimately don’t satisfy either of the participants.  Whereas “person-focused” connections are life-long, constantly growing, and result in satisfaction in the smallest events.

Like many relationship topics, this one is easiest to see in the context of conflict. Many times conflict goes wrong when we demand that our spouse appreciate what we do – when what we really want is to be appreciated and valued and accepted for being who we are. 

For example: a husband or wife expresses dis-satisfaction with ‘the marriage.’ The most common reactions from the spouse receiving the complaint is to either list all of the times and ways they did the very thing being complained about, or list reasons why the complaint is unreasonable and should be disregarded altogether.  In a Person-Focused relationship the receiving spouse begins by retelling “the story of their commitment to each other,” meaning they begin with the end goal that both have committed to build and work toward. They remind each other who their spouse is to them, who they have committed to be in their spouse’s lives, and what the relationship can be when they work together. If this description sounds more like fantasy than reality, I invite you to come in and let us show you how it is possible.

Pathway to Freedom:

Connection based on performance, skills or fulfilling the other person’s expectations, is a business contract at best.  God designed relationships to be something different: connections between people (Characters, Beings), not simply skills or roles that are advantageous to both participants. In Person-Focused relationships, spouses do more than praise, appreciate, and acknowledge the achievements of the other; they love and accept their spouse as they are, for Who they are – the good, the bad, and the ugly. The contribution they have is not in what they do, or don’t do, but what each moment is like when both are present, experiencing them together.

Person-focused couples commit to each other because they are committed to valuing the other person, and committed to not allow either to be devalued (Ripley & Worthington, 2014), even when the spouse is “acting like a jerk.” This does not mean accepting disrespectful or physically harmful acts. It does mean standing up for one’s self in a way that respects self, other, and God. These relationships are characterized by devotion, joy, and pleasure even in the smallest things.

If you want more information on how to have a Love relationship, rather than a contract agreement, let us help you find the path toward that new adventure.
You can reach us at:
www.SpiritCounselingTx.com

References:

Ripley, J. S., & Worthington, E. (2014). Couple Therapy: A new hope-focused approach. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press. ISBN: 9780830828579

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