I recently watched a movie with Robert D'Niro and about a 70 year old man who accepts an intern job at an e-commerce company start up. At one point in the movie the owner of the company played by Anne Hathaway asked what I thought was a powerful and important question: "what happened to men being men?"

The answer to the question might be found in the transition of the social definition of a "good man" that occurred during the feminist movement in the 1970's and the 1980's which focused on "power dynamics" in couple relationships and throughout society.

While adjustments to post-war male-female dynamics were absolutely necessary, important virtues were lost in the process. The old system attempted to force women into limited roles that were demeaning even by Proverbs 31 standards. Unfortunately terms, like "sexist" and "male chauvinist pig," that were successful in motivating important changes, began to be used to describe everyday acts of respect and deference.  Unfortunately, the alternative that was recommended was simply “let her open the door for herself.” In essence men were discouraged from concrete respectful behaviors toward women, and given no alternate behaviors to take their place.  Allowing a woman to open a door for herself does not represent a behavior, but the absence of behavior, or passivity. 

Path to Freedom

Men are, by nature, generally task focused and as such desire a specific action to perform in order to achieve a specific end. Men will generally either recommend an action (fix the problem), or ask the wife to identify “the” action that will resolve the present situation.  Part of a solution is to help the wife gain skills in making specific requests of her husband. Another part of a solution is to help the husband respond to the “pattern” in his wife’s complaints, rather than try to fix each one.

However to get to the root of the problem we need to look at the change from old system to new.  Consider in the old system’s extreme dynamics of the man telling the woman "I will tell you what to do so we can be happy," and how it has shifted in the new social system to the man telling the woman "Just tell me what you want me to do so we can be happy." The first dynamic is reminiscent of a father/daughter interaction while the second dynamic is reminiscent of a son/mother interaction. Both social narratives have similar goals and outcomes with the goal being to please and not upset the other spouse. Unfortunately the result is one of two spouses gathering resentment that shows up as compliance or rebellion. So, how does one navigate this dynamic that began changing 50 years ago?

In a Scriptural marriage there is one additional spouse to consider - God.  When both spouses are attuned to what God wants them to do in order for them to be happy, the dynamic between husband and wife is one of equals in service to a Superior.  The sign of health is when the goal of wife or husband is to please God even if it upsets their spouse; and to accept God’s correction, even when God uses the other spouse to give it.

This God focus is not easy to achieve, especially after years of trying to please each other without success – but it can be done. Let us show you how.
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